


Bring Me To Life

by CaptainWinterWitch



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes has problems, Bucky Barnes is sad, Bucky Barnes is sick, Bucky Barnes needs help, F/M, I'm so sorry Bucky, M/M, Mother Hen Steve, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Past Rape/Non-con, Proctetive Steve Rogers, So is Sam, Steve Rogers can accidently be a douche, Steve Rogers is a sweetie, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWinterWitch/pseuds/CaptainWinterWitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers is a struggling artist. Bucky Barnes is a barkeep with a lot of problems. One night Steve finds Bucky's number on a bathroom stall. Feeling upset over his cheating ex Steve calls it. He doesn't know that he's about to take on more than he can handle. Can he help Bucky? Or will Bucky fall?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Number from the Bathroom Stall

Steve sighed again, battling internally over whether or not to do it. He had been increasingly lonely ever since he broke up with his boyfriend. He had hit up a bar and found a number on the bathroom stall. It said 'For a good time call 1875-328-7789 ask for James xoxo'. Now he was debating whether or not he was drunk enough to call it.

Finally he pulled out his phone and mentally said 'what the hell' and dialed the number. It rang once and Steve hung up. He let out a breath, making the decision to get another drink before trying again.

He needed to forget about that dick he'd caught cheating on him and this James might just help him do that. After a few more drinks. Three drinks and four more attempts later, Steve was locked in the bathroom with the phone ringing for real this time. After the fifth ring Steve was about to hang up when a gravelly voice answered.

"Hello?" the man asked.

"Uh, yeah, um, well, I'm Steve and uh, I got uh, your number off the stall at Benny's bar. I'm uh, looking for James"

"This is James. Whatcha want Stevie?"

"Um, well, I'm sorry. This was a bad idea. I'm just drunk. I'm sorry" Steve said quickly hanging up.

Steve scrubbed a hand down his face. Great, just great. He'd finally worked up the courage and that's what happened. No wonder his boyfriend cheated on him. He's a loser.

"That's it" Steve said to himself "I'm getting smashed"

He exited the bathroom and ordered another beer. He was about to take a sip when his phone rang. Sighing he set his drink down and answered it.

"Hello?"

He felt a tap on his shoulder. Steve turned around and saw the most gorgeous man he'd ever seen. He had shoulder length brown hair and stunning blue grey eyes. Steve was dumbstruck.

"Hey Stevie" he said in a familiar gravelly voice.

"Do I know you?" Steve asked.

"It's James, I live upstairs. You sounded cute and thought I'd head down here and see just how cute you were" he said suavely.

"Oh" Steve said dumbly.

"Glad I did. You got a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Need to know if it's a one night thing or if I have a shot at something a little more serious"

"I had a boyfriend. He cheated on me and we broke up. That's kinda the reason I'm here" Steve admitted.

"Well Stevie my boy I can guarantee you won't remember the dumb bastard's name when I'm through with you. Unless you got somewhere else to be" James said.

He seemed nervous, if that was possible. Could he possibly be nervous about talking to Steve? James cleared his throat. Steve shook his head and smiled.

"Nope, got nowhere to be and nothing to do. Wanna beer James?" Steve asked.

"Too soft how 'bout a whiskey? And please my friends call me Bucky"

"Oh so we're friends now?" Steve asked coyly.

He saw Bucky's face drop. Was he really upset?

"Oh, James is fine"

"I'm kidding Buck. Lighten up"

He patted the stool next to him and Bucky hopped up. Steve ordered his whiskey and took a swig from his own drink. He examined Bucky closely. He had scars on the back of his right hand. When he went to grab his drink with his left hand Steve saw a glint of metal.

"What happened?" Steve asked.

"What? Oh, I lost my arm in Iraq. Hurt like a bitch. Stark industry's gave me this fancy new one as a consolation prize. Works just like a real one. I sometimes forget it's fake that's how good the damn thing is" Bucky said "Kinda the reason I'm still single. If it doesn't scare 'em away I accidentally hurt them"

"I served in Afghanistan. I've seen some horrible stuff and dealt with quite a few wounds myself" Steve said.

"So?"

"So, it's gonna be tough for you to scare me away" Steve said with a wink.

"I think I'm gonna like you Stevie" Bucky said "Wanna head upstairs?"

"Sure"

Steve paid his bill and accepted Bucky's hand. As this gorgeous stranger led him upstairs to his apartment Steve couldn't help but think that he was so glad he called that number on the bathroom stall.


	2. Things Seem to Be Heating Up. Oops, There They Go

Bucky's apartment was small and neat. A small bookshelf overflowed with everything from old obscure titles to modern classics. The living room held a small couch, tv, and a coffee table, also covered in books. Bucky smiled shyly.

"I, um….kinda like to read" he admitted.

"Me too, don't worry. I also like to draw" Steve said.

"Really? You'll have to show me some sketches sometime"

Bucky waggled his eyebrows making Steve laugh. He closed the space between them kissing him hard. Steve's head seemed to spin. Bucky tasted like whiskey and something sweet. Whatever it was Steve decided he liked it and that he could get used to the taste.

Boldness overtook him and Steve backed Bucky up until his knees hit the back of the couch. Bucky fell onto the couch, lips swollen and hair mussed. Steve like the way he looked. He peeled off his button up and crawled on top of him.

"You look so hot like this Bucky" he whispered into his ear.

He heard Bucky whimper. He assumed it was in pleasure and he kissed him harder. His hands roamed down Bucky's body, stopping at his crotch. He popped the button on his jeans and was about to undo his zipper when Bucky freaked.

He pushed Steve off of him causing him to fall on the floor. Steve's head hit the coffee table, knocking over a couple of books. Bucky sobbed as he helped Steve to his feet.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I just, I thought I was ready"

"It's okay, it's okay Bucky" Steve said.

Bucky scootched over on the couch, letting Steve sit down. Steve took Bucky in his arms. Bucky sobbed into his shoulder. He felt awful. This was supposed to be a good night and he'd ruined it. Steve held him, letting him sob his heart out.

When Bucky finally settled down, Steve was still by his side. He rubbed Bucky's arms soothingly, whispering nonsense.

"Sorry" Bucky croaked.

"It's okay" Steve said, kissing his forehead "Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really" Bucky said "Can we just watch a movie or something?"

"Sure. Whatcha wanna watch?"

"Jurassic Park? It's kinda my go to movie after a panic attack" Bucky admitted.

"Sounds good. I'll put it in"

While Steve rooted around his DVD drawer Bucky snuck into his bedroom to grab his stuffed bear. He had had 'Bucky Bear' since he was a little boy. He was the only thing that really made him feel better. All Steve did was raise an eyebrow and shrug his shoulders.

As the opening credits rolled Steve tucked Bucky and his bear under his shoulder and against his chest. Bucky hummed contently, snuggling further into his arms. Steve chuckled.

"I didn't peg you as a cuddler"

"Well Stevie, there's a lot of things you don't know about me"

He winked at him before snuggling back down to watch the movie. Steve ran his finger through Bucky's hair causing the man to hum happily. Halfway through the movie Steve finally got the courage to speak up. He had an inkling as to why Bucky had reacted so violently but, he had to ask.

"Who was it?"

"Depends" Bucky chuckled, wryly "Which time are you talking about?"

"It happened more than once?!" Steve exclaimed.

"Yeah"

Bucky sighed, he really didn't want Steve to know. He really liked Steve and didn't want him thinking he was disgusting. Unfortunately, Steve didn't seem like he was going to drop the subject anytime soon.

"The first time, it was a stranger. I was walking back to the library when I got jumped. He beat the shit out of me when he was done. I ended up in the hospital for three weeks" Bucky said "Never found the guy. I was the third guy he'd attacked. The second time it was my commanding officer. Instead of trying him they discharged me and gave me a purple heart. Lost my arm only to be raped in the damn med-bay"

Bucky let out a bitter laugh which made Steve wince. He didn't want to probe any further but, he figured Bucky needed to get this out. He rubbed his arms, encouraging him to continue.

"And the third?" Bucky said "Was about three months ago. It was my damn ex. He was pissed I dumped his ass and thought raping me was good payback. I got the last laugh though. Put the bastard in jail for 15 to life"

"That's good" Steve said, stupidly.

"Yep, only good thing that came out of it was that I met the sweetest guy ever"

"Oh" Steve said, not putting the pieces together.

"It's you, dork" Bucky giggled.

"Oh"

Bucky shook his head laughing. Steve was definitely a keeper. Against his will Bucky began to yawn. Steve shut off the movie and picked Bucky up in his arms.

"You're strong" Bucky murmured, sleepily.

"Yeah, you want me t stay?"

"Please?"

"Okay"

Steve tucked Bucky in, allowing the young man to snuggle up to his chest. He let out a content sigh, falling asleep quickly. Steve stayed up for a little while longer, running his fingers through Bucky's hair and reflecting on the outcome of the day. He'd woken up at his and Tasha's place without even realizing how significant today would be. He may not have gotten laid but, he may just have fallen in love.


	3. The Morning After.....Sorta

Bucky woke up to the pleasant smell of bacon and eggs wafting through the air, He stretched, yawning, before tumbling out of bed. He scratched his unruly hair as he headed into the kitchen. Steve was by the stove flipping pancakes and bacon. A plate full of food was already steaming lazily on the counter. Steve hadn't noticed Bucky enter. He was still singing Taylor Swift under his breath and wiggling his hips. 

"Nice moves, Stevie" Bucky commented.

Steve jumped at the sound of his voice. He chuckled lightly. He turned off the stove and filled his plate. He motioned towards the food but, Bucky waved him off.

"I'm not hungry" he said.

"You sure? I made plenty" 

"Yeah, I had a big dinner before I came down to meet you" Bucky lied.

He really was hungry but, Steve was probably going to stay for a while and he didn't know when he'd have time to do what needed to be done. You see, Bucky had a problem. A major problem. Ever since the first rape his freshman year of college Bucky had developed a severe self-esteem problem.

His long-time boyfriend, Brock, never helped either. His demeaning nature and hurtful comments led Bucky to develop an eating disorder. He became severely bulimic, eating and purging on a regular basis. It wasn't until Brock raped him that his self-esteem tanked and he began purging even when he had nothing to purge. He had permanent scars on his right hand as a result of his fingers scraping his teeth. Bucky really liked Steve but, he didn't want him to know just yet. Steve seemed to be the kind of guy who wanted to try and fix him. He wasn't ready to be fixed just yet. He had a handle on it. He thought. 

As if on cue Bucky's stomach rumbled. Steve handed him a plate with some bacon and eggs.

"Sounds like it wasn't big enough. Come on, just a bit before I leave" Steve pushed. 

"Where are you going?" Bucky asked with a mouthful of bacon. 

"Gotta work. I work at a coffee shop, at least until my paintings start to sell" 

"Struggling artist hmmmm? Sounds sexy" 

"Yeah, sounds sexier than it really is" Steve admitted "Can't even pay my rent. I got evicted, now I live with my friend Natasha until I can get back on my feet" 

"Yikes, that's rough. At least you got someone to fall back on. My parents disowned me a long time ago and after I dumped Brock I was on the streets. Only reason I got this place was cause the bar owner needed some extra hands downstairs" Bucky explained. 

"Wow. I'm sorry" Steve said. 

"Not your fault" Bucky shrugged. 

Steve squeezed his hand affectionately. He rinsed his plate before heading to the door. Bucky got up quickly, panic rising in his chest.

"You don't have to leave yet, do you?" 

"Yeah, sorry. How 'bout you come by after work? The shop is just around the corner. I get off at six" Steve said. 

"Okay" Bucky mumbled. 

"Great. I'll tell Nat to make extra for dinner" 

Steve pecked Bucky on the cheek before heading out the door. He was gone exactly sixty seconds before Bucky bolted to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees, shoving two fingers down his throat. 

The familiar, pleasant burning came then as he expelled the contents of his stomach. His weight was the one thing he seemed to have control of in this screwed up thing he called a life. But, lately he'd been feeling more and more out of control. He hid how out of control he'd become with baggy clothes. 

But, tonight he wouldn't be able to hide it. Not from Steve. Damn puppy dog eyes lulled him into going to dinner at his place without even thinking. Maybe he could blow him off. 

No, Bucky couldn't do that. He actually _liked_ Steve. Plus, Steve _did_ know where he lived. It's not like he could hide from him. He would worry about it later. Now he had to work. 

Bucky threw on a black top and his jeans, cinching his belt a little tighter. He brushed his teeth before heading down into the bar. Jasper was waiting for him. Bucky began wiping down the bar, cleaning and sorting the alcohol. 

He occupied his time cleaning tables and mopping the floors until five thirty. He clocked out and hung up his apron before going to change. Bucky chose a plain grey tee and black pants. Sighing, he smoothed his hair down once more, slightly satisfied with the way he looked before he headed out to the corner coffee shop.


	4. Coffee and Conundrums

Natasha knew something was different the moment Steve walked into the apartment. He seemed to be walking on air. When he didn't come home last night she had assumed he had a shameful one night stand. It was quiet the opposite.

"Why so happy Rogers?" she asked.

"I met someone last night" Steve replied.

"And?"

"And he's amazing. He's handsome, he's intelligent, he's just incredible"

"You're like a lovestruck school boy" Nat said,

"I think I _am_ in love. I didn't want to leave"

"Did you seal the deal?"

"No, that's just it. We just watched a movie and went to bed. Then we ate breakfast together"

"Sounds romantic"

"It was thank you very much"

"Good. When's your next date?"

"Tonight, after work. Will you make extra?"

"Depends" Nat said "What do you want me to make?"

"That yummy crispy chicken you make with some potatoes?"

"Sure, now don't you have to work?"

"Shit" Steve cursed "I forgot"

He hurried into his bedroom to grab his work clothes. Natasha shook her head fondly. She really _was_ happy for Steve. He'd had a rough year. Not only had he caught the 'love of his life' Tony cheating on him, he'd also been evicted from his apartment. He'd lost his well paying job at a local gallery and was forced to take a job at the corner coffee shop.

When Steve had shown up at her door with nothing but two suitcases and a duffle she immediately ushered him in. They had known each other for years, dating in high school so Steve wouldn't get harassed. She listened to his sobs and comforted him.

She really hoped it would work out for Steve. He was a talented artist and a really good guy. He deserved to be happy. Especially after the way Tony treated him. He used to insult him under the guise it was a joke. He was emotionally abusive and Steve was too naïve to realize it.

Speaking of Steve, her naïve little puppy came tripping out of the bedroom, still putting on his pants. He straightened up, fixing his hair and putting on his apron.

"Painting apron" Tasha said.

"Shit, where's-"

"Dryer"

"Thank you"

Steve rummaged around the dryer pulling out his coffee apron. He smoothed out the front before heading out the door. Tasha waved him out before getting up to start cleaning the kitchen for dinner.

Steve jogged down to the coffee shop arriving five minutes before his shift started. He filled Sam in on what had happened last night. His longtime friend was ecstatic for him but, he too had his apprehensions. Steve was a great guy but he had horrible taste in men.

"I can't wait" Steve gushed "He's gonna be here at six"

"That's great Steve, just be careful, I'd hate to see you get hurt again" Sam said.

"I won't, trust me, Bucky's different"

* * *

By the time six rolled around Steve was ready to burst. He waited at the table by the door, smile on his face. At six fifteen, the smile started to fade. By six thirty he was in tears. Sam rubbed his back as he cried.

"I-I just don't understand. We-we were so good together. I don't...."

"Don't understand what Stevie?"

Steve looked up through his tears to see Bucky standing in the doorway, out of breath. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and black pants but, looked disheveled. Steve threw himself into Bucky's arms. The man stumbled under his sudden weight. Bucky chuckled, patting Steve's back.

"I thought you weren't coming" Steve admitted.

"Not a chance. Got held up, literally" he chuckled.

"What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, thugs got more than they bargained for" Bucky said, tapping his metal arm "This is good for something besides heavy lifting"

"As long as you're okay"

"I'm fine"

"You ready for dinner?"

"Yeah, sure"

"Let's go then. Bye Sam" Steve threw.

"Bye" Sam said "Nice to meet you"

"You too" Bucky said.

He waved to Sam as Steve pushed him out the door. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's while they walked He told him about his day and how he couldn't wait to see him again. Bucky nodded absentmindedly. He fumbled around his pockets for his pack of smokes. He lit one, taking a long drag. Steve stared at him.

"What?"

"Those things are bad for you"

"I know, I know" Bucky said, flicking it "I'm trying to quit. I'm just nervous"

"Don't be, Nat's not that scary, I promise"

"Yeah"

 _'Not what I'm worried about'_ Bucky thought.

He followed Steve up the stairs to his shared apartment. Natasha opened the door wearing a plain black dress with her hair scraped back into a ponytail. She greeted Steve with a peck on the cheek and a firm handshake to Bucky. She pulled him to the side as Steve went to change.

"I swear to God if you hurt Steve I will end you" she threatened.

"Trust me, I won't" Bucky said.

He forced a smile as Steve reentered the room. They sat down at the table to a piping hot dinner. Steve told Tasha about his day and about the commotion that happened at work, all while Bucky just picked at his food. Natasha noticed and spoke up.

"Not hungry?"

"What, oh, no. I'm not feeling good" he lied.

"What's wrong Buck?" Steve asked.

"Stomach hurts"

"Do you wanna head home?" Steve asked.

"If you don't mind. But, can I use your bathroom first?"

"Sure" Natasha said "Down the hall on the right"

Bucky excused himself and hurried into the bathroom. He dropped to his knees and did what he had to do. He was nervous about making noise but he needed to feel empty again.

Once he was done, he rinsed out his mouth. Sighing, Bucky forced a smile and walked back out into the living room. Steve was no where to be seen. Natasha sat on the couch glaring at him.

"What?" he asked.

"You're bulimic, aren't you?" she asked.

It was said with such surety that Bucky was stunned. He didn't know what to say. No one had ever accused him or forced him to face his problem.

"How-?"

"I had a friend who used to purge all the time. I know the signs" Nat responded "When did you start?"

"About three years ago. After I was raped for the first time"

"Does Steve know?"

"No! And you _can't_ tell him. He'll leave me"

"What makes you think that?"

"Come on, what guy is gonna be okay with someone who constantly shoves their fingers down their throat until they puke?"

"Steve's not every guy. He's different. Really different. He won't know until you tell him"

" _If_ I tell him" Bucky mumbled.

"You _will_ tell him or I will. Bucky, this could seriously hurt you. Do you know what kind of damage you're doing to your body?"

"So? It's my body. If I wanna fuck it up I'll fuck it up"

"What about Steve? If you cared about him you wouldn't do this"

"How do you even know Steve will care?"

"Because, I know Steve. He's the kind of guy who gives his coat to a stranger on the coldest day of the year. He donates what little money he has to charity. For god sakes the guy doesn't ever have a penny to his name" Nat said "And for some reason he loves you. I know, I've seen his puppy love eyes before but, never like this. Bucky, he cares for you but, if you don't want to tell him it _is_ your choice. I just think it's the wrong one"

"Wrong what?" Steve asked.

Bucky jumped as Steve reentered the room. He looked at Natasha who was glaring at Bucky.

"Natasha thinks it's wrong for me to go home before dessert"

"Nat did make an apple pie. She makes a mean apple pie"

"I can always take a slice to go"

"I'll go grab a piece"

Steve watched Nat leave the room. He had heard their entire conversation. Bucky's baggy clothes and the scars on his right hand suddenly made sense. He could understand why Bucky was hesitant to tell him. He _had_ only known Steve for two days. But, Natasha was right, Steve _does_ care. He wants to help Bucky get better. He thinks he loves Bucky. In a way he's never felt before. Not even with Tony. He could picture himself with Bucky for the rest of his life. But, how was he going to help Bucky live that long?

Steve was thinking of ways to confront Bucky with this knowledge the entire way home. In the end he just accepted Bucky's kiss and said goodnight. He needed to sleep on this. Maybe the morning would bring some promising answers


	5. Things Go From Bad to Worse to Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some sexually explicit content. Don't like, don't read

The next morning Bucky was awoken by Steve knocking at his door. Groaning, he looked at the clock to see it was 8:30 am. Too early for his day off. Grumbling he rolled out of bed and answered the door.

Steve was waiting with a bag of Dunkin' Donuts and some coffee. Bucky was half-tempted to slam the door in his face when the smell of the donuts made his stomach growl. Sighing he let him in. Steve set out the food on the coffee table and turned on the TV.

"Morning" he said, sweetly.

"That's the problem. It's morning. I don't normally get up until two on my days off' Bucky grumbled.

"Well, that's gonna change with me as your boyfriend" Steve said "I'm a morning person"

"Ugh, if you weren't so damn cute" Bucky half-threatened.

Steve chuckled, shoving a donut his way. Bucky wanted to refuse it but, remembered what Natasha had said. Reluctantly, he took a bite, savoring the taste. Without even realizing it he ate three more while chatting away with Steve.

The good morning ended when a breaking news alert interrupted the show they were watching. The reporter informed them of a massive breakout at Sing Sing prison. She listed a bunch of names on the Be on the Lookout, including Brock Rumlow.

Buck blanched. Steve was about to ask what was wrong when he sprung up and ran to the bathroom. Steve followed him and made it just in time to see Bucky boot it into the toilet. Tears were streaming down his face and Steve didn't know why.

"What's wrong Buck?"

Bucky shook his head, continuing to vomit. Steve knew this was not his bulimia but something else. Something that had Bucky terrified. But, right now he wasn't talking so, Steve had to improvise.

He got down on his knees next to Bucky and rubbed his back gently. He could feel his young lover shaking violently. Bucky leaned into Steve's touch sobbing. They sat like that for almost half an hour before Bucky finally began to calm down.

"I'm sorry" he apologized.

"Don't be. You wanna tell me what happened?"

"One of the guys that broke out of Sing Sing, Brock Rumlow, he's my ex, the one I put in jail for raping me. The last time I saw him at court he told me I was a dead man when he got out"

"God Buck, we better go to the cops. You could get protection" Steve suggested.

"No, Brock has a friend on the police force. He'd tell him where I was in a heartbeat. Guy believed that Brock was innocent. Fell in love with the bastard" Bucky spat.

"Well you can't stay here"

"I should be okay" Bucky said "But, I _would_ feel a _lot_ safer if my big strong man stayed with me until he was caught"

"I can do that but, honestly Buck you're prolly stronger than I am" Steve admitted.

"It's the principle Stevie"

"I know"

"I love you" Bucky blurted.

He froze as soon as the words left his mouth. What was he thinking? Steve only knew him for three days, he was probably going to laugh at him. For several seconds Bucky sat tensed until he saw Steve smile.

"I love you too Bucky"

Steve meant it. He loved Bucky, more than anybody he'd ever loved before. He had only known Bucky three days but he was sure, for the first time he truly felt happy. He wrapped his arms around Bucky's neck and kissed him deeply.

For one horrible moment Bucky froze. Then he melted into Steve's embrace, kissing him back. Their lips moved in sync with one another. Steve ran his hands through Bucky's hair lovingly. He wanted to do more but, not unless Bucky was okay with it.

Bucky seemed to sense his hesitation. He took Steve's hand in his own and guided it in between his legs. Steve broke the kiss, looking at him surprised. Bucky blushed.

"If you're ready, I think I'm ready" he said.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I want you Steve. More than I've ever wanted someone before"

"Me too Bucky, me too"

Steve took Bucky in his arms and carried him into the bedroom. He gently set him down on the bed before beginning to undress. Bucky watched, wide-eyed, as Steve revealed more and more of his impressive physique. Once he was completely undressed he made a move towards Bucky but, he was pushed back. For a moment he thought Bucky had changed his mind. Until he spoke.

"I wanna look at you" he said huskily.

That turned him on. Bucky crawled off the bed and sunk to his knees. Steve pulled him back up, shaking his head.

"Don't. Today's about you" he said.

He gently began to undress him, kissing and caressing every piece of skin revealed. He pushed Bucky back onto the bed, settling in between his legs. He took his half hard member in his mouth, causing Bucky to moan loudly. It had been so long since someone had touched him like that. He twined his hands in Steve's hair, bucking up to meet him.

"Oh god Steve, you're amazing at this" Bucky moaned "You must've had a lot of practice"

Steve pulled off with a _pop,_ crawling up to kiss his lover. He ran his hands up and down Bucky's body lovingly.

"Yeah, my ex would always make me blow him all the time. Never let me do anything else" he sighed.

"Well" Bucky said, kissing him "You can do _whatever_ you want to me. I'm more than happy to bottom for a hottie like you"

Steve chuckled fondly as Bucky sat up. He grabbed a bottle of lube from the side drawer. He threw it to Steve, winking. Steve poured a generous amount onto his fingers before rolling Bucky onto stomach.

He gently massaged one finger over his tight hole. Bucky clenched his eyes shut, forcing the bad images away. Steve kissed his neck, running his free hand up and down his thin, (too thin), body. Bucky visibly relaxed, allowing Steve to slip a finger inside of him. Bucky moaned, clenching around his finger.

"Damn Buck, you're tight"

"It _has_ been awhile" Bucky said, breathlessly.

Steve took it slow, waiting until Bucky was moaning to slip in a second finger. He repeated his actions until Bucky was nice and loose. The man below him whined at the loss of Steve's fingers but, was soon rewarded with the fullness of his erect member.

Steve set up a slow pace, allowing Bucky to get used to the feel of him. Soon he was urging him to go faster, bucking back against him and whining. Steve could feel himself getting closer and closer but held out. He wanted Bucky to come first.

He aimed for that sweet spot that would make Bucky's toes curl. He knew he found it when Bucky let out a litany of curses. He continued to hit that spot at a near bruising pace.

"Steve! Oh, god I'm gonna come" Bucky cried.

At that exact moment both Bucky and Steve came undone. Bucky's back arched as his entire body spasmed. Steve rode out his orgasm before collapsing next to Bucky. His chest heaved as he tucked his tiny boyfriend against him. Bucky hummed happily, snuggling closer.

"That....was...amazing" he panted.

"Yeah, you are perfect Buck" Steve said.

"I'm far from perfect" Bucky admitted.

"I know, but you're perfect for me"

"I love you Stevie"

"I love you too Bucky" Steve said "Sleep"

Bucky cuddled closer to Steve and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.


	6. Major Problems Arise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Violence ahead :\ sorry

When Bucky woke up he felt pleasantly sated. He rolled over only to be met with an empty bed. He panicked, thinking Steve had left because he got what he wanted from him. That is until he saw the note on the nightstand.

It read: _Went home to grab a few things. You looked so cute sleeping I didn't want to wake you up. Sam said we could borrow his place until Brock gets caught. Have a bag ready when I get back. Love, your Stevie._

Bucky smiled happily, hugging the note to his chest. He felt like he was fifteen again, falling in love for the first time. He hummed happily as he packed his bag, throwing in random clothes, his toiletries, and Bucky Bear.

He was almost done when there was a knock on the door. Thinking it was Steve, Bucky headed to open it for him. He hadn't even gotten the chain off when it was kicked in causing Bucky to fall to the floor.

Brock stood in the doorway, fuming. Bucky backed up, terrified, until his back hit the wall.

"Hey slut, long time no see" he growled.

"B-Brock, h-how did you find me?"

"Alexander Pierce. He saw you take some blonde up here the other day. You always were a whore, Barnes. Now you're gonna pay for what you did" he said.

He grabbed Bucky by his throat, choking him. His hands clawed at the fingers around his neck, gasping for air. Brock threw him against the wall causing his head to bounce violently, leaving a hole in the drywall. He threw Bucky to the ground, kicking him in the ribs several times until a loud crack rang throughout the tiny room, followed by Bucky's screams.

Brock laughed manically at his pain. Bucky tried to crawl away, nails breaking on the splintered wood. Brock rested his foot on his right arm, placing his entire weight onto the fragile limb, snapping it in two.

Bucky's screams were cutoff by Brock kicking him in the face, cracking his eye socket. Brock took his left leg in his hands and snapped it at the tibia, fibula as well. Bucky choked out a pained cry.

"Now, you're gonna die" Brock whispered.

He pulled out a knife and slit Bucky's throat, just missing his jugular and carotid. Bucky gurgled out a cry as his left arm went to try and stop the bleeding.

"What the hell?!?"

At that moment Steve had returned. He dropped his bag and socked Brock in the face as hard as he could. Shocked, Brock stumbled away from Bucky and bolted out the door. Steve dropped to his knees, putting pressure on the wound.

"Where's you phone?"

Bucky pointed towards the kitchen. Steve wiped his hands on his pants and dialed 911. He quickly filled the dispatcher in before grabbing a kitchen towel on his way back to his boyfriend. He wrapped the towel around the wound, pulling Bucky into his lap.

"It's okay, you're gonna be okay. The ambulance is coming" he cried.

Bucky tapped his heart then tapped Steve before losing consciousness.


	7. Recovery Attempt

Steve sat in the hospital waiting room with Sam and Natasha. On the way to the hospital Bucky had had a seizure and coded. The EMTs managed to revive him and stabilize him but he was still touch and go. Now all they could do was wait. It had been almost two and a half hours before a doctor came out.

"James Barnes?" he asked.

"Yes, we're his friends" Tasha said.

"Well, he's a very lucky young man. He lost a lot of blood. His attacker just missed major arteries. He has a broken radius and tib-fib. Three of his ribs are cracked and two are broken. His eye socket has been cracked as well. His lung collapsed but, he's on a ventilator. He's stable now. Would you like to see him?"

"Yes, please" Sam said.

Steve was speechless as he followed Tasha, Sam, and the doctor to Bucky's room. Bucky looked so small in the white hospital gown. He was hooked up to a dozen machines with a tube sticking down his throat. He had bandages across his throat and a cast on his arm and leg.

Steve collapsed into a chair next to the bed sobbing. It was his fault. He should've stayed with Bucky. He should've woken Bucky up and taken him with him to get his stuff. He should've done something.

Natasha sat down next to him and rubbed his back gently.

"It's my fault" Steve sobbed "I should've stayed with him. I should've done something"

"It's not your fault Steve, it's Bucky's ex who did this, not you. Your quick thinking saved his life" she said.

"Yeah, don't beat yourself up" Sam said "The doc said he's gonna be okay"

"But Brock is still out there. Bucky won't be safe until he's caught"

"The police are searching for him right now. They're sending two officers to watch him until he's discharged. He'll be okay" Tasha said.

"Yeah, once he's discharged we'll take him back to my place" Sam said "Don't worry Steve-o"

"I'm not leaving him until he wakes up"

"That's fine. I'm sure Maria will understand" Sam said "But, she'll have my ass if I'm late again. I'll be back after my shift"

"Yeah, Nick needs me to work a shift tonight" Tasha said "Are you gonna be okay here by yourself?"

"I should be" Steve said "I'll have the officers and the docs. Have a good time guys"

"I'll bring you some dinner. Get some rest Steve, you've exhausted yourself"

"I will. Thanks guys, you know I love you" Steve said.

"We love you too Steve-o"

Sam patted him on the back while Nat gave him a kiss on the cheek. He watched, forlorn, as they left the room. He took Bucky's hand in his own and stroked it gently.

An hour later an officer arrived. He introduced himself as Loki Odinson. He said that he was the officer for the second shift but wanted to introduce himself beforehand. He said that his partner would be covering the first shift before he left. His partner arrived moments later.

"Hi, I'm Alexander Pierce, I'll be covering the first shift today. My partner really needs you to answer some questions. He's waiting downstairs"

"Okay but, I really don't want to leave my boyfriend" Steve said.

"It'll only be for a moment and I'll be here" Pierce said.

"Yeah, okay, thank you"

Steve kissed Bucky's hand before leaving his room. He was about to enter the elevator when he saw Loki exiting the bathroom. Steve called him over.

"Yes Mr. Rogers?"

"Your partner said you needed to ask me some questions"

"I don't have any questions for you" Loki said "Why would he say that?"

Steve suddenly remembered Bucky mentioning a cop who had fallen for Brock. He turned and ran back to Bucky's room. Pierce was straddling Bucky with a pillow over his face. Bucky was thrashing, trying to gasp for air but only inhaling the fabric.

Loki was hot on Steve's heels and sprung into action when he saw what was happening. He yanked Pierce off of Bucky while Steve turned the ventilator back on. Loki wrestled Pierce into handcuffs.

"What the hell Pierce?"

"His stupid boyfriend put mine in jail. I was extracting payback" Pierce said "You're not as safe as you think you are, Rogers. I know where you live, where you're friend lives. You two can't hide. Brock will find you. And next time he'll kill you and your lying whore"

Steve watched horrified as Loki dragged Pierce away. He collapsed back into his chair. He didn't know what to do. Brock knew where he lived, where Sam lived. How was he supposed to keep Bucky safe?

He could only think of one thing. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed his number. He answered on the second ring.

"Tony, it's Steve, I need a favor"


	8. Relocation

"Have you lost your mind?" Natasha accused "You really thought it was a good idea to ask your ex-boyfriend to let your current boyfriend live with him until said boyfriend's psychotic ex is caught?'!"

"Yes, Pierce and Brock don't know about Tony. This way Bucky's safe" Steve said.

"Nat, Steve's right. If Brock can get his creepy boyfriend into the hospital _and_ he knows where we both live Bucky is probably safe with Tony" Sam said.

"Am I the only one who sees the insanity in this?"

"Tash, it's already arranged. When the doctors discharge him Friday he's going to Tony's" Steve said "He'll be safe. Tony has a billion dollar security system. Not even the SWAT team could get in without permission. He also has about fifty rooms. We don't even have to see each other."

Natasha was about to protest again when she noticed Bucky was awake. He was struggling to take the ventilator out with one arm.

"Bucky, how are you feeling?" she asked.

Steve rushed to Bucky's side, pulling his hand away from the tube. He pulled his hand out of Steve's, holding it level, before shaking it side to side.

"You're feeling iffy?" Sam asked.

Bucky nodded. He drew a question mark in the air. They all stared at him confused. Bucky made the gesture again, getting frustrated. He slumped, giving up.

"Hang on babe" Steve said.

He grabbed his sketchbook and flipped to a clean page. He handed it to Bucky along with a pen. He awkwardly scrawled his question.

_What happened?_

"You don't remember?" Steve asked, worried.

"The doctors said this might happen" Nat said "It's called retrograde amnesia. It was probably because of the blow to the head. What's the last thing you remember?"

Bucky blushed. The last thing he remembered was having sex with Steve. He hastily scrawled that out and showed it to Steve, He blushed too.

"Um...we were watching TV"

"You dirty liar" Sam said "You two had sex. That's the last thing he remembers"

"Yes, okay Sam? Thanks for telling the whole hospital!"

"Anyway" Nat said "Brock broke into your apartment. He beat you up pretty bad. His boyfriend took a shift to watch you and tried to kill you yesterday. Steve's quick thinking saved your life"

Bucky smiled around the tube. He took Steve's hand in his good one and squeezed it. Steve blushed wildly.

"Brock knows where I live and where Sam lives. So, I arranged for us to stay with a friend"

 _Who?_ Bucky wrote.

"My ex. Tony Stark"

_You dated Tony Stark?!_

"Yeah, for almost five years"

_He's the one who cheated on you?_

_"_ Yes but we're still friends. He said we could stay as long as we need to"

_I think it's a bad idea_

"Thank you!" Nat said.

"It's too late Bucky, it's already set up. Plus, it's the safest place for you until Brock is caught. I'm going to your place to grab a bag. Is there anything specific you want?" Steve said.

_My Bucky Bear. He's in the bag on the bed. All my stuff should be in there. Could you grab my Game of Thrones books too?_

"Of course. Tasha's gonna stay with you. That ok?"

_Yes._

"I'll be back soon. I love you"

_Love you too Stevie._

* * *

 

Loki was waiting for them when Steve and Sam arrived. He cut the police seal and unlocked the door. The floor was still stained with Bucky's blood. Steve's stomach turned at the sight.

"Sorry 'bout that" Loki said "The crime scene cleaners should be by tomorrow"

"Thanks" Steve said.

He still didn't think he wanted Bucky coming back here anymore. Not even after Brock was caught. He headed to the bedroom while Sam scanned the bookshelf. He found the books and stuffed the five heavy volumes into a bag before going to find Steve.

He was sitting on Bucky's bed reading what looked like a journal. He had tears streaming down his cheeks. Sam dropped the bag and sat down next to him.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Bucky's diary. I know I shouldn't read it but, I accidently kicked it out from underneath the bed. Sam, he just, he talks so bad about himself. I knew about the assaults and I found out about his bulimia but, I didn't know how bad or how long it's been going on. He's gonna kill himself, Sam. And, I don't wanna lose him"

"Then talk to him. Make him understand, then get him into a therapist to get to the root of his problem. If he truly loves you he'll understand. And he'll try to get better"

"I'll try. I just don't want to push him too far too fast. Here, read this"

He handed the journal over to Sam. It was an entry for about four days ago. It read:

 _Today was a pretty spectacular day. I met the most amazing guy_ ** _ever_**. _His name is Steve . He's tall, blonde, handsome, strong, and **very** into me. He got my number off the stall in the bathroom downstairs. Thank god I put that on there, otherwise I might not have met him. Vodka does marvelous things sometimes. I'm worried though. I'm afraid he'll think I'm disgusting. I mean, hell, **I** think I'm disgusting. He's too good for me. I don't want to get too attached but damn I **do**._

"And this one" 

_Today Steve made me go to his place for dinner. I ate **way** too much and had to purge. His roommate caught me and threatened to spill my secret. I was so nervous I ate my entire stash of junk food after Steve walked me home. I felt so gross I purged again. That made five times today. It's becoming an average now. I'm afraid Steve's gonna see how fat and ugly I am. Brock always pointed out my flaws. He was right, I'm only good for sex. Steve's gonna leave me and there's nothing that's gonna change that. I should just kill myself. It's not like anyone will care anyway._

"Wow. He has some serious issues with himself. You gotta get him help. Otherwise he really  _is_ gonna off himself"

"Should I tell the docs?"

"No, then he'll know you read his journal. Just watch him closely" Sam said.

"I'm gonna stick it in the bag, just in case"

Steve shoved it under the clothes to the bottom of the bag. He made sure Bucky Bear was in there before closing it and heading out the door. Loki locked up and drove them back to the hospital, apologizing again for what his ex-partner did.

Steve and Sam thanked him. Bucky was asleep when they re-entered the room. The tube had been removed. He looked so peaceful. Except for the four point restraints he was in. A gastrointestinal tube was sticking out his nose.

"What the hell Tasha?!" Steve hissed "I'm gone for an hour and you let them tie him up?!"

"It couldn't be helped. He was fine when they took out the ventilator. But when they told him he needed to eat he refused. When they said they were gonna put the gastro tube in he freaked. He fought tooth and nail when they put it in. They had to hold him down. He kept trying to pull it out. They had to sedate him" Tasha said "He kept rasping how he was gonna get fat if he let them keep the tube in"

"Those pain meds made him delirious" Sam said.

"I'm not gonna keep him chained up like a dog" Steve said.

He went to undo the restraints when he noticed Bucky was awake. He gave Steve a drunken smile and tried to reach for him but, he was stopped short by the restraints. His smile disappeared and his eyes filled with panic.

"It's okay, it's okay" Steve soothed.

He began to struggle against the restraints, his heart rate picking up. Steve acted quickly, taking Bucky's good hand with one of his and stroking his hair with the other.

"Shh, sweetheart. You don't want them to have to sedate you again" he murmured.

Bucky calmed down settling back in bed. He looked at Steve with puppy dogs eyes before glancing at the bags in the corner. He let go of Steve's hand and pointed towards the bags.

"Bucky Bear?" Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. Steve retrieved the bear from Bucky's bag but, held it just out of reach.

"Are you gonna keep the tube in?"

Bucky pouted at him, whining.

"No Bucky Bear unless you promise to keep the tube in"

Bucky whined again but, nodded. Steve undid the straps around his wrists. Bucky immediately grabbed the bear with his good arm. He cuddled the bear to his chest, sighing happily. He beckoned Steve down and kissed him sweetly.

"I love you" he rasped.

"I love you too, Buck. But, don't talk, you'll hurt yourself"

Bucky shrugged and mouthed 'sorry'. He patted the bed, silently asking Steve to sleep with him tonight.

"I don't think they'll let me sweetie"

"Screw 'em" Sam said "Get in bed with your damn boyfriend"

Steve smiled and squeezed in next to Bucky. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed his forehead. Bucky snuggled up with his bear and drifted off to sleep 

 


	9. Bad Blood

Tony was waiting with a car when Bucky was discharged. He greeted Steve with a smile and a kiss. All Bucky got was a glare. Steve helped Bucky get in the car, tucking him protectively against his chest.

"Long time not see, Steve" Tony said.

"Yeah, I've been really busy lately. I don't know if you heard but, I lost my job at the gallery. Had to take a job at a coffee shop" Steve said.

"Damn. Why didn't you call me?"

"Because I......well....you know we didn't really part on good terms"

"We're still friends though. I'd have helped you"

Bucky tugged on Steve's sleeve, drawing his attention away from Tony.

"What's wrong babe?"

He pointed to his bad arm and his leg.

"Pain meds wore off?"

Bucky nodded. Steve rummaged around the bag the doctors gave them and pulled out the pain meds. He gave two to Bucky who took them dry. Steve gave him a quick kiss, which earned Bucky a death glare from Tony.

Bucky didn't even notice because they had pulled up to Tony's place. For a kid who grew up with almost nothing Tony's place looked like a palace. Bucky was awestruck but, he was also disheartened. If Steve could have all this why would he want him?

He forced a smile as Steve helped him out of the car. He tried to keep as much of his weight off of Steve as he could but, Steve wouldn't let him. He finally picked Bucky up and carried him into the house. Bucky whined in protest.

"If you're gonna fight me then I won't sleep with you tonight" Steve threatened.

Bucky settled down then, allowing Steve to carry him into a bedroom on the third floor. Bucky gasped, in awe of the elegance of the room. A plush king size bed sat in the middle of the room. It was adorned with silk sheets. The room had beautiful prints of famous pieces and lush plants.

"Like it?" Tony asked.

Bucky nodded. Steve set him down on the bed allowing Bucky to marvel at the softness of the sheets. He tucked Bucky in before going to collect their bags. Tony dropped his pleasant façade the second Steve left the room.

"Look, Steve's mine. You can stay here until your leg heals but after that I want you out of Steve's life. You're a worthless piece of crap who can't give him anything. I can give him everything he wants and more. So stay away from him. Got it?"

Bucky nodded, wide-eyed. Tony was right. He could give Steve everything and Bucky could give him nothing. He sunk into the mattress, forlornly. Tony left him to wallow in his misery.

When Steve came back in he noticed Bucky seemed to be in a funk. He dropped the bags causing Bucky to jump. He plastered a smile on his face.

"What's wrong Buck?"

Bucky shook his head, hair falling in his face.

"Don't try to fool me, Buck. I saw that sad face. What's up?"

" 'M in pain" he whispered.

"I'm sorry. You can have some more pills after dinner" Steve said  "Do you wanna take a nap?"

Bucky nodded, settling down under the sheets. Steve retrieved Bucky Bear and tucked him in tight. He gave him a kiss before leaving the room. Bucky waited about ten minutes before he struggled out of bed.

He limped his way over to his bags. With his good arm he fished out his pain meds. He fought with the cap for about fifteen minutes before it finally popped off. He looked at the pile of white pills nesting in the bottle.

Steve didn't need him. He had Natasha and Sam and Tony. They could give him everything, Bucky couldn't give him anything. A tear slipped down his cheek and landed on the metal of his arm. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as he threw back the bottle, swallowing all the pills.

He dropped the bottle as he made his way back to the bed. He curled up as best as he could with Bucky Bear and drifted off to sleep, letting the pills take away the pain for good.


	10. Close Call

Bucky was surprised when he returned to consciousness. He was even more surprised to hear sobbing by his bedside. He cracked an eye open, only to see Steve by his side. He had his head in his hands as he cried. Natasha was by his side, rubbing his back. She was the first person to notice he was awake.

"Bucky" she said.

Steve's head snapped up. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He stood up suddenly, causing his chair to scratch against the floor. He looked livid.

"You selfish bastard" he cried.

"Steve" Nat warned.

"You were just gonna leave me? Like that? All alone? What were you thinking?!" he shouted.

"Steve" Nat snapped.

Bucky was sobbing himself, tears flowing down his cheeks. Now he'd really done it. Not only had he failed to kill himself, Steve was pissed. He was definitely going to leave Bucky now.

Steve saw Bucky cowering from him and deflated. He sat on the bed taking Bucky's good hand in his. He pressed his forehead to Bucky's.

"You scared me" Steve said "I thought I was gonna lose you"

"Why do you care?" Bucky asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you care what happens to me? You don't _need_ me. Nobody needs me. You have Natasha and Sam and Tony. Tony can give you everything, I can't give you anything. I'm worthless"

"You're not worthless, Buck. You can give me so much. More than Tony. I care because I love you Bucky. So much. More than anyone I've ever known"

"You mean it?"

"Damn straight"

"You won't ditch me for Tony?"

"Not for anything"

"Even though he can give you everything you could ever want?"

"He can give me everything except one thing. The thing I really _need._ Unconditional love. And that's what you can give me. And that's all I want"

Bucky burst into tears at Steve's words. He clung to him with his good arm. Steve held him as he sobbed his heart out. How could he have been so wrong? Steve loved him, more than anything. And he almost left him alone. But, he was still here, rubbing his back as Bucky got it all out. When he finally calmed down Steve retrieved Bucky Bear and tucked them against his chest.

"I love you my Bucky Bear" Steve said.

"I love you too Stevie"

"Get some sleep"

Bucky cuddled closer to him. He craned his neck to steal a kiss. Steve kissed him back, trying to put all his love for Bucky into that one kiss. Bucky settled down and drifted off into a peaceful sleep with a smile on his face


	11. Talking it Out

"Hell no" Bucky said.

"Please Bucky?" Steve asked "The doctors won't let you go until you talk to the psychiatrist"

"Then I'll stay here until they get sick of me"

"Bucky"

"Steve"

"I'm serious"

"So am I"

Steve sighed, Bucky had been this way for two days now. Ever since the doctors told him he needed to talk to a psychiatrist before he was discharged. Bucky was fighting tooth and nail. He didn't want anyone knowing anything about his problems.

"Please Buck? I'll do anything" Steve begged.

Bucky couldn't hold out any longer. Steve's puppy dog eyes were melting his reserves. He sighed, throwing up his arms in defeat.

"Fine! If it'll make you happy. I'll talk to the damn psychiatrist!"

"Thank you, Bucky, thank you" Steve said.

He threw his arms around his boyfriend kissing him deeply. Bucky kissed him back. He had some doubts about how this was going to go but, he would do it, for Steve.

* * *

Dr. Peggy Carter sat, with one leg crossed, waiting for her patient to start talking. It had been twenty minutes since James Barnes had entered her office and he hadn't even said two words to her. He was tapping his good foot impatiently.

"You know James.."

"Bucky" he corrected.

"Bucky, talking will help. I understand you have a boyfriend"

"Leave Steve out of this"

"Don't you want to go home to him?"

"Of course I do" Bucky said "I just don't see why I have to talk to a fucking shrink"

"Well, obviously you have some major problems you're not addressing" Peggy said "Otherwise why would you have tried to kill yourself?"

"I took one too many pain pills, big deal. It was an accident"

"I don't think it was" Peggy said "I think something pushed you over the edge. Something having to do with Steve?"

"I told you to leave him out of this!"

"But, he seems to be a key person in your life. Why don't you tell me about _him_?"

"Well, he's, he's just amazing. He' smart and funny and talented. A truly amazing artist. He's handsome and sweet. He cares about me so much. I don't deserve him"

"Why's that?"

"I'm disgusting. I'm fat and ugly and dirty. I'm useless"

"Says who?"

"Pretty much everyone. My parents, my boyfriends, everyone"

"But not Steve?"

"No" Bucky said "Steve thinks the world of me. It's hard to understand"

"Someone caring about you?" Peggy asked.

"Yes"

"Can we talk about your parents?"

"What do you want to know about them?" Bucky snapped.

"How were they to you? How was your childhood?"

"It sucked" Bucky said "My dad used to beat me when I did even the smallest thing wrong. My mom was a drunk who didn't care about what happened to me. They disowned me when they found out I was gay. They kicked me out of the house. From age sixteen until I turned twenty I lived on the streets. I got hooked on drugs until one of my exes made me go cold turkey"

"That sounds awful" Peggy said "Was this the same ex who hurt you?"

"No" Buck spat "And hurt is an understatement. He beat the shit out of me and nearly killed me"

"And why's that?"

"Because I sent him to prison"

"For what?"

"He raped me"

"And why did he do that?"

"He was pissed I dumped him! Why does this even matter okay?" Bucky shouted.

"And was this the first time you were assaulted?"

"No"

"When was the first time?"

"I was nineteen. I was a freshman in college. I was walking back to the library when a guy came from out of nowhere and hit me over the head with a hammer. He pulled me into the alleyway and raped me. When he was done he kicked the crap out of me and left me to die"

"Did they catch him?"

"No"

"Do you think this lead to some of your major issues?" Peggy asked.

"Like what?"

"Your self-consciousness, your suicidal tendencies, your bulimia"

"I don't have bulimia" Bucky defended.

"Oh, really?" Peggy asked "Then why are you so defensive about it? _And_ why did you fight the doctors when they put a gastro tube in after you refused to eat?"

Bucky sagged at her words. She had caught him. He didn't know how she figured it out but she did.

"Well, am I right?"

"Yes, okay!" Bucky admitted.

"When did it first start?" Peggy asked.

"When I got back from Iraq" Bucky said "I had been sexually assaulted by my commanding officer in the med-bay. I was in a car bombing and lost my arm. I was recovering in the bay when my commanding officer snuck in and raped me. I woke up halfway through and called for help. Instead of prosecuting him they discharged me with honors and gave me a purple heart. Stark Industry's gave me this new arm as a consolation prize. I nearly get blown to pieces, then raped, again, only to get some stupid medal and a new fancy metal arm"

"And this lead to your bulimia?"

"I guess. That's when I met Brock, my ex who raped me. He used to berate me about everything from my weight to my haircut. He made me feel insignificant all the time. I guess that's when I started binging and purging. I'd feel so awful I'd eat my feelings away then I'd puke to feel better. Feeling empty makes me feel whole, if that makes any sense"

"It makes a lot of sense" Peggy said "You feel like your weight is the only thing you can control"

"Exactly. But, now I can't stop. I...I just can't. Food just disgusts me. I'm afraid I'll get fat and Steve will leave me"

"Why do you think that he'll leave you?"

"Because I'm dirty, I'm unclean, I don't deserve someone as sweet and pure as him. Being skinny is the only _good_ thing I have going for me"

"James, what happened to you is not your fault. It doesn't make you dirty or unclean, it makes you damaged. You were broken down piece by piece and piece by piece we'll help put you back together. It'll be tough but you have to want to get better"

"I don't know. What if I mess up?"

"Then you try again. You _are_ only human. All you can do is try and try again if you mess up"

"I wanna try" Bucky said.

"Good" Peggy said "I'm going to recommend a colleague of mine. She's an exceptional therapist. I'll also set you up with a nutritionist to start you on a healthy diet. You'll start slow, one day at a time. How does that sound?"

"I can try" Bucky said.

"That's all I can ask"

She helped Bucky to his feet and led him back out into the waiting room. Steve was sitting with Natasha, bouncing his foot up and down. When he saw Bucky he jumped up and ran over to him. Peggy smiled at the couple.

"Remember, Bucky, one day at a time"

"Right, one day at a time"

 


	12. Try, Try Again

At first things were going okay. Bucky felt more confident after his talk with Peggy. He ate a little of the hospital food, grimacing at the horrid taste. It was after he was discharged that things became harder. After the suicide attempt both Steve and Natasha felt Bucky would be safer, mentally, at their place. That was good for Bucky except there was temptation all around him. Too much temptation.

Especially staying at Steve and Natasha's. They bought all the stuff Bucky binged on without even realizing it. Chips, cookies, candy, bread. Bread, that was Bucky's big one. He'd binge on peanut butter and jelly all the time. A fact Steve didn't realize either, as when he set down a plate of PB&J, Bucky blanched.

"What's wrong babe?" he asked.

He had barely gotten out his sentence before Bucky had scarfed it down. He savored the taste before dashing to the bathroom. His fingers scratched his teeth, drawing blood, in his hurry to be empty. It wasn't until the evidence was swirling down the drain that Bucky realized what he had done.

When Steve made it to the bathroom he found Bucky curled up in the corner crying. His right hand was bleeding, soaking into his cast. Steve dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around him.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" Steve asked.

"I-I'm disgusting" Bucky sobbed "I-I did it again, Steve"

"It's okay, Buck, it's okay" Steve said "What set you off?"

"The peanut butter and jelly. I-I binge on it. It, it was just a knee-jerk reaction. I'm sorry"

"It's okay, babe, I promise" Steve cooed "If at first you don't succeed try, try again"

"You're not upset?"

"Nope"

"You're not disappointed?"

"Not even a little"

"I love you"

"I love you too" Steve said "Now let me hear you say it"

"If at first you don't succeed try, try again"

"Good, now let's get you cleaned up"


	13. Trying Again

After the peanut butter and jelly incident Bucky went to his first therapy session. She was a small brunette named Wanda Maximoff. She, along with her twin brother Pietro, would be helping Bucky recover and piece together his life. She waited patiently as Bucky got up the courage to talk.

"I'm sorry" he apologized "I'm just afraid of being judged"

"Well you don't have to worry about that here Mr. Barnes" Wanda said "I, just like everyone else, have had problems in my life and had to deal with them. You can talk whenever you feel like it, you're my first appointment of the day"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I'd like to discuss the reason you tried to commit suicide"

"It's a long story"

"I have time"

"Well, my abusive ex broke out of prison and tracked me down. He's the one who did all this to me" Bucky said, gesturing towards his injuries "Steve, my boyfriend, he decided the only place that I'd really be safe was his ex's place. His ex is Tony Stark and he told me I was quote 'a worthless piece of crap who can't give Steve anything'. I guess it kind of pushed me over the edge"

Wanda nodded as she wrote down some key points. Bucky shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like talking about his problems. He liked to shove them in a locker and try to forget them.

"so Steve's very important to you?"

"Yes, he's the first person who actually cares about me and doesn't want anything in return" Bucky said.

"Tell me about him"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. You say he's the only person who cares about you, so, tell me about him" Wanda said.

"He's incredible. He's smart, sexy, sweet, talented. He's caring and compassionate. He means the world to me. I'd do anything for him"

"And yet you wanted to end your life"

"I thought he'd be better off without me"

"But now?"

"Now I know better. He was _so_ upset when I tried to kill myself. He-he loves me and I love him. It was fast, a whirlwind kind of thing, but I really _do_ love him"

"Good, that's good" Wanda said "Do you have any other support system? Family maybe?"

"No, my family, they never really liked me. My parents wanted a girl. When they got me, they kinda treated me like trash. My dad beat me at the slightest provocation and my mom? She was always too drunk to care. And when she finally pried her lips off the bottle it was only to tell me how bad I looked or how useless I was"

"Wow" Wands said, scrawling some more notes "It sounds like your problems started at a very young age"

"I guess" Bucky said "I never really thought about that. I try to bury my childhood"

"No pleasant memories?"

"None. The only one I can think of was this boyfriend I had when I was twenty. His name was Peter and his helped me get off drugs. We dated for a few months but he died a few weeks after I finally got clean"

"What happened to him?'

"He was killed in a bodega robbery"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault" Bucky shrugged "Besides, I have Steve now. He, he is _so_ much better than Peter was. He doesn't judge me or talk down to me. He's perfect in every way"

"And?"

"And I'm not. I'm broken but, I can get better?"

"Excellent. That's the first step, admitting you can get better"

"But what if I slip again?"

"Well then you try again. It doesn't matter if you fall what matters is that you get back up and keep going"

"What if I can't get back up?"

"Then you ask for help. You should never be ashamed of your problems and you should never be afraid to ask for help. If you feel like you're falling and that there's no way to get back up turn to someone. Ask Steve for help or call me or Dr. Carter. We'll help you get back on your feet. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I hope so"

* * *

After their session Wanda walked Bucky down to her brother's, the nutritionist's office. Pietro Maximoff was a scraggly bleach blonde with black roots. He had a warm smile and a firm handshake.

"Now Pietro will take good care of you and if he doesn't, let me know and I'll kick his butt" Wanda said.

"She doesn't mean that. I really will take care of you. Don't worry" Pietro said "Follow me"

He led Bucky down to the last office on the right. Inside was immaculate. Bucky had never seen a cleaner office. He sat down in the comfy chair, shifting nervously. Pietro sat down across from him and pulled out a notepad.

"Okay, so, tell me, how long have you been bulimic?"

"Um.....well I'm twenty-eight now and it started when I was discharged from Iraq so about three years ago?"

"Okay and do you know specifically what caused it?"

"Not really, I've always been self-conscious about the way I look but I never felt the urge or felt as bad as I do about myself until I was sexually assaulted"

"Okay so you've always had a poor body image and you think it really started after you were assaulted? Good. Now tell me about your binges, what triggers them?"

"Lots of things" Bucky said "Stress is the big one, umm....nerves is a big one too. Sometimes the hunger will get so bad I'll just eat and eat until I feel sick then I purge it all away"

"Okay, stress, nerves, hunger. Good, this is good" Pietro said, scrawling down notes faster than Bucky had ever seen anyone write "Finding your triggers are good, that way you can avoid them. Now what do you binge on?"

"Junk food mostly. Chips, cookies, candy, um...McDonald's, peanut butter and jelly, and, uh....potatoes. I _really_ enjoy potatoes. I binge on all kinds of potatoes"

"Good, good. Knowing what to avoid eating early in your recovery is key. You don't want to avoid those foods forever _but_ you don't want to try eating them _too_ soon. It could trigger an episode"

"Okay, what _should_ I try to eat?"

"You should start slow. Nuts, yougurt, meats, I recommend start at a diet of around 900 to 1200 calories for your first month. Do you know what a food journal is?"

"Isn't it a record of everything you eat in a day?"

"Exactly but, I want you to do something a little different. I want you to record everything you eat _and_ I want you to record when you binge and purge. Now I want you to understand I do _not_ expect you to just magically stop purging. No, I understand it's a _long_ hard process. I know. I went through it too _but_ I'm here to tell you it _is_ possible. It's hard as hell but it's possible"

"How long did it take you?" Bucky asked.

"Two and a half years" Pietro said.

"How many times did you slip up?"

"Too many to count. It's hard but it's a one day, one victory at a time thing" Pietro said "But again it _is_ possible"

"I don't know"

"Trust me with Wanda and I in your corner you'll be okay. She'll shrink your head and I'll help you eat right"

"And you're sure this will work?"

"Positive"

"Okay, I'll try"

 


	14. Take Two

Bucky fidgeted with his tie nervously. Natasha and her boyfriend Clint had invited him and Steve to dinner at a fancy restaurant. It would be Bucky's first attempt at eating out without purging afterword. He let out a deep breath.

"You can do this" he whispered.

Steve walked in, smiling at how nice his boyfriend looked. Skinny, but nice. He hoped what Wanda and Pietro had said would get through to Bucky. It was a wait and see thing. He wrapped his arms around his waist, kissing him deeply.

"You look sexy, Buck"

"Come on Stevie, be honest, I look out of place"

"No, you look great. A little skinny but great"

"I'm trying" Bucky whispered.

"I know darling, I just worry about you"

"I know. I love you"

"I love you too. Do you have your food journal?"

Bucky patted the pocket where the notebook lay. He had done good today. He was up to almost 900 calories with no purging. Hopefully he could control himself tonight. No more than 500 he kept telling himself.

"Come on" Steve said "Nat and Clint are waiting"

"Aren't you gonna change?"

"What's wrong with my outfit?" Steve asked.

"It's a little too hipster Stevie. Take the damn suspenders off and put on a tie"

"So bossy"

Steve accentuated his remark with a slap to Bucky's butt. He jumped a little, giggling. Steve took off his suspenders and rummaged around his drawers for a tie. His brow furrowed cutely as he dug. Bucky rolled his eyes and threw him one of his.

Steve gave him a toothy smile, the one Bucky loved. Once his tie was situated Steve gave Bucky an arm, helping him out to Clint's car. They both slid in the back one excited, one anxious. Steve seemed to sense his nervousness as he squeezed Bucky's arm and pecked his cheek.

"It's gonna be okay, babe" he whispered "I promise"

Bucky nodded, sinking further into Steve's shoulder. He felt really self conscious looking at Clint. He was nice and slim with muscles in all the right place. It didn't help that Bucky had noticed Steve check him out.

900 calories seemed too much now. If he wanted to compete with Clint he couldn't eat that much. Dinner was gonna suck. Bucky continued to berate himself the entire ride.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant Bucky was in a deep depression. He slapped on a smile though. He had to be good otherwise Steve might give up on him. As Steve helped him sit down Bucky felt dread in the pit of his stomach. Looking at Clint in the light had Bucky feeling, if possible, worse. It was made _even_ worse by Natasha saying.

"Hey, Rogers, check out your _own_ boyfriend"

Steve blushed at being caught but laughed it off.

"Only thing I was checking out was that _horrible_ shirt"

"Better than yours" Clint joked "Where'd you get it? A nursing home?"

"I'll have you know this shirt has all the ladies at the coffee shop swooning"

"Because it's so damn ugly"

"Clint" Nat snapped "Language. We're at a fancy restaurant"

"Sorry"

They continued to throw playful jabs as Bucky studied the menu. He needed some comfort food and he needed it badly. The only one of his default comfort foods he could find was potatoes. He ordered three sides of potatoes while nobody noticed.

That hurt too. The three of them were having so much fun chatting and poking fun at each other they forgot about him. When his food came Bucky bolted it down, trying to feel better.

Steve didn't even seem to notice that Bucky was rapidly falling apart. He was too caught up in the pleasantness of the evening. He was enjoying his food and the company he didn't even notice Bucky excuse himself to the bathroom. In fact he didn't notice until Clint spoke up.

"Bucky's been in the bathroom a long time. You don't think he fell and hurt himself, do you?"

"What?! How long has he been gone?" Steve asked.

"I dunno, about ten minutes"

"Shit" Steve cursed.

He dashed to the restroom. He heard the sobs before he even entered. His stomach sunk. How could he be so stupid? He tentatively entered the bathroom. It smelled like vomit.

"Buck?" he asked.

"Go away" Bucky sobbed.

"Bucky Bear" he cooed.

"I said go away!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I got distracted"

"Yeah, by Clint and his perfect body"

"No, baby, no. Yes, Clint it attractive but, he's no where _near_ as sexy as you. I swear"

"Then why did you ignore me all evening?"

"I didn't mean to baby. I really didn't. I'm just not used to being able to talk on a date. Tony never let me talk. I just got caught up, I'm so sorry" Steve said.

He was crying now too. He felt horrible. It was all his fault Bucky had slipped. Bucky heard the sincerity in his voice. He unlatched the bathroom door and hobbled out. Steve immediately took him in his arms.

"I'm not good enough for you, Steve" Bucky said, blankly.

"Yes you are Buck and don't _ever_ think you're not. I may have checked out Clint but he's no where close to you"

"But, I'm gross"

"Well you _could_ use a breath mint but your breath is the only gross thing about you" Steve teased.

"At least my breath is better than that shirt"

"Why's everyone dissing my shirt?" Steve pouted "I love this shirt"

"You know what would make it look better?"

"What?"

"If it was on the floor" Bucky said coyly.

Steve chuckled, kissing him deeply.

"Well how about we ditch Natasha and get a cab back to the apartment?"

"Sounds like a plan"


	15. Epiphany

"Harder"

"I can't" Bucky whined "It hurts"

"Well it's not going to feel pleasant now harder"

Bucky pushed against her hand as hard as he could. It barely moved an inch. Carol sighed. Bucky had been coming to physical therapy for two weeks now and seemed to be falling backwards instead of moving forwards.

"Okay Barnes. what's on your mind?"

"Nothing Miss Danvers" he lied.

"Don't 'Nothing Miss Danvers' me. I'm not your boyfriend. Don't think you can lie to me. When you started you were doing phenomenal. Then the second I opened my mouth you started slipping backwards. What gives?"

"I'm afraid" Bucky admitted.

"Of getting better?"

"Of failing"

"Look, James, the only way you can fail is if you _let_ yourself. _You_ are in control of your life, no one else. You are the only person who can decide whether you succeed or fail. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I think so"

"Good. Now do you want to stop?"

"No, I can do it"

"That's the spirit, now push"

* * *

Bucky was exhausted by the time Steve and Natasha came to pick him up. Exhausted but proud. Carol had said he had done an amazing job. He had been able to walk almost fifteen minutes before the pain became too much and had lifted almost four pounds with his right hand.

He felt even more pride at Steve's dumbstruck look when he walked to the car all by himself. He was even able to situate himself and buckle up unaided. Steve beamed proudly, filling Bucky's heart with happiness.

"We've got some good news" Nat said.

"What's that?" Bucky asked.

"Loki called. Brock's been caught"

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. Cops caught him trying to break into a gun shop. He's gonna be spending the rest of his miserable life in a maximum security prison upstate"

"That's incredible"

"I know. I thought we could celebrate" Nat said "Clint knows this great little bistro. He was very upset when you two ditched us last time"

"Sorry" Steve shrugged "Had something better to do"

"You mean someone?" Bucky chimed.

They both giggled like schoolkids as Nat rolled her eyes.

" _Anyway_ what do you say Bucky?"

They both looked at him in the rearview mirror. Bucky thought about it. He _had_ eaten almost 1200 calories today. Then he thought about what Carol had said.

_' **You**_ _are in control of your life, no one else'_

"Sounds great" he said.

Today was going to be the day that Bucky turned his life around. _He_ was in control of his life, no one else. Not his parents, not his commanding officer, not Brock, _him._ He was going to make a concentrated effort to turn the page and start a new chapter in his life. One that had him happy and healthy. One that included Steve and his friends.

At the bistro Bucky ate a full meal as he chatted and laughed with Steve, Clint, and Tasha. For the first time in a long time feeling full felt good. He had so much energy he was practically vibrating. He wondered if it always felt like this.

Dinner ended too soon in Bucky's opinion. So soon he suggested they go out for drinks and dancing. Everyone shared a look of surprise but eventually agreed. The night was then wasted getting wasted and dancing like fools. Even though he couldn't dance just yet, watching Steve and Natasha dance and laugh had Bucky's heart swelling with joy. He felt so good, so free. He wondered if this would last, then shook his head. Of course it would last, it was _his_ choice.

He knew now. There would be good days and there would be bad days. It was _knowing_ that the storm would pass, that the world wasn't ending, was what was key. He had to learn how to cope. To learn how to ignore the nagging, negative voices. That they were _not_ going to control his life. _He_ was.

He was so elated he took Steve in his arms the second they got home. Afterword, as he basked in the post-coital glow, Bucky looked out the window and felt happy. Really, truly, happy.

 


	16. Epilogue

It had been almost six months since Bucky's epiphany and things were looking up. With Pietro's help Bucky had developed a system to help with his healthy eating. He, Steve, and Nat sat down each week before going grocery shopping and wrote out two options for dinner each night. Depending on Bucky's mood, he would pick which option suited him that day.

Bucky was busy cleaning the kitchen for Nat. Tonight was spaghetti and meatballs. A good day. He had gained almost twenty pounds and didn't feel bad about it. He'd even gone down to purging once every other week. Steve came in moments after he started, looking happier than a lark. He swept Bucky off his feet, spinning him in the air. He kissed him deeply.

"Hello my sweet Bucky Bear"

"Hi darling, why are you so happy?"

"You'll never believe what happened"

"What?"

"Tony's new girlfriend, Pepper Potts, she owns an art gallery and she wants me to show my work. She even bought some of my paintings. Look"

He handed Bucky a check. Bucky's jaw dropped.

"$35,000?! That's incredible!"

"I know. We can get our own place. And even better"

He pulled a black box out of his pocket. Bucky stared at him dumbfounded. Steve got down on his knee and opened it, revealing a beautiful silver ring.

"James Barnes, will you marry me?"

Bucky's eyes welled with tears. He didn't trust his voice. He nodded, feeling overjoyed. Steve got up, wrapping his arms around Bucky's neck and kissing him deeply. He slipped the ring on Bucky's finger. He held it to the light, marveling at its weight. He let out a happy sob. In the past year he went from a sickly, bulimic loser with nothing to live for to a healthy, happy man. He had learned so much from Steve. He learned how to live again.

"Steve, I-I'm so happy" he cried.

"Me too, baby. I love you so much"

"I love you more. You've helped me grow so much. I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for you"

"It wasn't just me babe. You had a hand in it too"

"I know but, you helped me learn and grow"

"It was always in you darling"

It had been a long, bumpy road and it wasn't over yet. But, Bucky knew as long as he had Steve and his friends in his corner he could take everything life threw at him.


End file.
